The question was simple, what do I want? where do I want to be? Truly, heart felt personally where and what? No what do other people want to hear but in my heart of hearts. I know what I want and I know where, it's never changed. The questions made me realize that in order to be where I want to be I need to let go and trust I'll land where I'm suppose to. I realize that I am holding on to things that offer false sense of security, which also gives me a small sense of hope.
In my short life time I have had several of the main people in my life what felt like abandon me. One was from severe mental illness and others were self destructive people. I know what it's like to not have someone when I need them so I tend to put myself in situations where I will be the last person standing, I would rather be the rejected then the rejector. Sounds weird and I know it's uncommon. I like to think of it as a strength, even though it has lead to heartbreak after heartbreak. But in turn I like to think it's made me a better person.
My other dilemma is my house, my home, my haven from the world. Though it is full of bad memories and scared from arguments, it is also my place of refuge. Yes it is slowly falling apart and much more work than I have time for. But it's mine. Holding on to it is silly it is just a house, I can make a home out of wherever we go. In many ways moving would be a relief and lighten my load of responsibilities. In some was it is a hit on my pride. I work hard for my living and it's nice to have something that shows it. As a kid I moved around places come and go and it would be good to leave it behind and truly have a place of my own. Still learning to let go and leap-
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